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| Thursday, November 16th, 2006 | | 8:50 pm |
yeah, yeah, it's been forever... blah blah blah
but i'm gonna be an aunt! i'll for sure be that aunt that buys my niece alcohol (etc) before she's 21 (read: the "cool" aunt) i have to say i've never felt at least THIS type of excitement before. this is truly monumental. Current Mood:  jubilant | | Friday, January 13th, 2006 | | 5:11 pm |
| | Friday, January 6th, 2006 | | 2:52 pm |
top 25 played songs on my iTunes
Suzanne - Nina Simone 49% - Royksopp What Else is There? - Royksopp Beautiful Things Can Come From The Dark - Azure Ray A Cure - Blonde Redhead Wear You Out - TV on the Radio The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Upon This Tidal Wave of Young Blood - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Red Right Ankle - The Decemberists Tyrone - Erykah Badu New Slang - The Shins Two-Headed Boy - neutral milk hotel Staring at the Sun - TV on the Radio You're Just a Baby - Belle and Sebastian Man I Used to Be - K-OS Posed To Death - The Faint Emcee Murdah - K-OS Balled Of Lemons - Blonde Redhead Slow Hands - Interpol Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead The High Party Ted Leo & The Pharmacists An Endless Supply - The Thermals Tuff Ghost - The Unicorns Give In - The Bravery Narc - Interpol some of the lower ones appear on this list by some apparent glitch in iTunes' randomizationality (for instance, i'm not too terribly much into The Faint anymore) not that you care. about any of this. Current Mood: complacentCurrent Music: "Breastmilk Saves Sixteen at Sea" - Evening | | Monday, November 28th, 2005 | | 11:34 pm |
what am i doing?
wow. Current Mood:  lonelyCurrent Music: the decemberists - "Odalisque" | | Monday, November 7th, 2005 | | 10:10 pm |
blah
blah Current Mood:  blah | | Tuesday, November 1st, 2005 | | 10:05 pm |
less than zero
lately i've been obsessed with bret easton ellis. i picked up his new novel "lunar park" which is about bret easton ellis himself. at first it was difficult for me to distinguish between historical fiction and fiction. but i've been enjoying it. essentially, the premise is that the characters he created in "less than zero" and "american psycho," in combination with his dreadful dead father, have come back to haunt him. but i became intent on revisiting "less than zero"--my all-time favorite brat pack movie of the 80s. tonight, i was supposed to have a date, but it fell through (no big deal) and while i was at Fry's tonight, i picked up the DVD ($8!!). It had been forever since i'd seen it (at least 10 years) and i've been baffled when everyone i mentioned it to recently had never heard of or seen it. I had expected it to be very bad upon re-watching it for the first time in years. but i watched it tonight (couldn't wait) and it was still very, very good. good script, good direction, good art direction, good performances by robert downey jr, andrew mccarthy, jami gertz. i was still impressed. and it was a bit scary to discover that so many [shitty/faux glam] aspects of the 80s have come back in a big way. on other fronts, i promised myself i would quit by november 8. i have mulling it over in my mind the last few weeks. now that the time is rapidly approaching, i started making excuses... well, not excuses per se, but actually telling myself i wasn't actually going to quit. i don't lie to myself about things like that. i am always true to myself [now that i'm older] and if i say i won't actually quit, then i won't. but i have made up my mind that i must quit. i chose november 8 because it was a year and a half since i started smoking again after quitting for a year and a half. i must quit. i have no choice. this weekend i'm going to visit my parents. i can't smoke en route to their place or while i'm there. november 8 happens to be tuesday, but it makes no sense to go all weekend without smoking, smoke for two days, then quit. so i guess i'm quitting this friday. it will definitely be taxing, but i made this promise to myself and i have to stand by it. bernie quit over a month ago, i did it myself before, so i know i can do it. if i go off on anyone in the next month, accept my pre-emptive apologies. Current Mood: mellowCurrent Music: Evening "Darmstadt" | | Sunday, October 9th, 2005 | | 1:03 pm |
so much bling, so little time
i've been going out a lot lately. drinking a lot every time i do. it seems pretty uncharacteristic of me in the last 8 or so years. but i've been drinking, on average, about twice a week for the last 2 months. i've been feeling a slight itch though to do something more creative with my friday and saturday nights. last night, the itch became a rash. i went to aubergine in the gaslamp and realized that i really was no different from these self-absorbed whores that go to the gaslamp looking for attention from the opposite sex, though i don't wear belt-skirts that measure about 8 inches from waist to bottom and dental floss to cover my nipples. us "normal" chicks stand around ridiculing them (sometimes to their faces when they're drunk enough to bump into us), but the only reason anyone goes to these places is to attract the opposite sex. they have fun because they can, and we don't because we can't. but the opposite would also be true. any of them would sit in the corner chain smoking if no one looked at them, and we would be grinding some marine if we got the opportunity. what else is there? the scary thing (and this really is scary) was that i went out last night fully intending to bring someone home with me. and i did. it was ok, but i think now that i've scratched that particular itch, i'll be spending a lot more friday nights at home watching movies again. the last couple months seem to have been entirely devoted to finding a boyfriend. frankly, i'm bored with it. i tried the bar scene (which ended, surprisingly, rather dramatically). i tried the online thing (which ended, not surprisingly, anti-climactically). so i've decided to resign my post. dating is actually quite boring and it has rendered me boring as well. when my only focus is seeking a relationship, it leaves no space in my life to be occupied by things that might actually bring one. i'm not going to bars again unless it's with a group of friends and the agenda consists solely of talking to each other and not getting completely obliterated. i took all my profiles off the net, which is actually quite liberating. i spent so much time reviewing the people that found me "interesting" or attractive that i got absolutely nothing accomplished. now i know no one can "happen upon me." no one can think i'm smart or witty or self-depracating [in a cool way] or reaffirm that i have full lips. i feel free to get other stuff done, like reading or writing or working out. it's refreshing. i think it's been a while coming. Current Mood:  tiredCurrent Music: clapyourhandssayyeah "upon this tidal wave of young blood" | | Tuesday, October 4th, 2005 | | 9:55 pm |
ok i had to
Name someone with the same birthday as you: John Belushi Where was your first kiss? Magic Mountain (I worked there, so it wasn't all that romantic that i smelled like popcorn and had cotton candy in my nose) Have you ever seriously vandalised someone else's property? No Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? Yes, and he deserved it... twice. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? I think I've blocked this memory What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex? Smile. What really turns you on? the ability to care about your brotherman What do you order at coffee shops? peppermint tea and a bran muffin What is your biggest mistake? living so long with depression Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? i guess. Say something totally random about yourself. i love polishing brass and silver Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? not lying, but i get angelina jolie all the time. but i used to get the chick from mr. belvedere Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows? nope Did you have braces? yep Are you comfortable with your height? pretty much. tall would just make people expect more from me. What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you? Paid for a road trip to San Francisco for the weekend. Do you speak any other languages? i know a few geotechnical engineering terms in spanish. but don't go quizzing me. Have you ever been to a tanning salon? um no, i'd disintegrate. What magazines do you read? the new yorker (i'm such a snob) Have you ever ridden in a limo? yes, see above Has anyone you were really close to passed away? no, thankfully Do you watch mtv? never ever ever What's something that really annoys you? when you reach into the medicine cabinet and touch one thing and everything falls out. What's something you really like? saturdays. Do you like Michael Jackson? eh, i could live without him Can you dance? fuck yeah. i burn rug. What's the latest you have ever stayed up? i really don't know. i do know that last saturday i was up till 5am. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? yes. that sucked. like bad. Do you actually read these when other people fill them out? usually. | | Monday, September 12th, 2005 | | 9:55 pm |
| | Friday, September 9th, 2005 | | 1:23 pm |
i'm back
it was the best vacation i've ever had, ever. i saw friends from grad school that i hadn't seen in 4 years, a friend that i haven't seen since spring that moved to DC to go to law school, went to my good friend's wedding, saw my brother who i haven't seen in 2 years, my grandmother that i haven't seen in 3. i saw DC, baltimore, richmond. i took a shitload of pictures, some were of things i'd never seen before, some of things i'd seen but had been dying to take pictures of, and some of things that i had seen but would've never thought to take a picture of but took purely for nostalgia's sake. i got trashed every day i was there (which i definitely don't do while i'm here), operated almost entirely spontaneously and without an agenda, missed my cats like crazy, briefly entertained the idea of moving back to the east coast, took it all in. i got totally baked with a former professor and, for the first time, talked about my feelings of failure without embellishment or exaggeration or secrecy... to the one person i thought would be the most disappointed with me for the way the last four years have come to pass. and he listened and didn't judge me at all. [to be perfectly hoaky] i never thought i'd have the opportunity to confront that whole grad school demon and truly close that chapter. and i felt totally free, which was surreal in that it was in the same place that had once enslaved me. Current Mood: loved | | Tuesday, August 30th, 2005 | | 7:40 pm |
3 more days to go
so i'm leaving in 3 days. i didn't realize how truly nice it will be to get out of san diego and look around somewhere else for a change. i'm excited to be able to do the tourist thing in DC which I haven't done since i was a little kid on field trips when i lived in baltimore. (that was actually a cool part of being a kid in baltimore... the field trips to washington and fort mchenry and growing surrounded by stuff that was older than your short memory) i've been to DC several times since, but haven't been able to see the monuments or spit within a mile of where W resides (which has been a dream of mine for a few years now). it's also nice to be able to go and not have an agenda like looking for a job or the obligatory family visit. i'm only going to see who i want to see and do what i want to do. fuck everything else. and since i'll be going to another wedding this weekend, i'm starting to feel the heat... 29, no contenders, no prospects. i think i might be feeling this pressure only because everybody else is doing it. never before this year have spent so much time contemplating marriage. it's fucking strange. but i think ultimately i would like to get married. or just find someone i could spend the rest of my life with. i'm difficult so it would take someone extremely special. Current Mood: excited | | Sunday, August 28th, 2005 | | 9:48 pm |
i've been thinking of something to say for weeks and have come up with nothing. think of something. think of something. well, i'm going on vacation on friday. i'm very very excited. i haven't had a real vacation for years. and i'm seeing john, who i haven't seen for 4 years. it should be fun. and it's gonna be nice to get the fuck outta dodge. | | Sunday, August 14th, 2005 | | 1:50 am |
wow
i just had an amazing date. fucking outstanding. sigh... | | Friday, August 5th, 2005 | | 9:29 am |
| | Thursday, July 21st, 2005 | | 9:22 pm |
ok so now i'm bored
i have too much time on my hands. last night i discovered that i'm not required to stay up so late anymore, so i can go to bed earlier, get up earlier, and walk/jog (mostly walk) in the morning. this morning i did just that and discovered that my lung capacity has sharply diminished lately. i found i couldn't draw in enough air to run for an extended period of time. i successfully freaked myself out (even attempted while running to remember what underwear i had on, just in case i collapsed from a collapsed lung and had to be taken via ambulance to the hospital, my clothes cut off and the emergency staff would see what underwear i was wearing... i figured, however, that if i was to collapse in the middle of the sidewalk, any soiling of my undergarments would not be entirely extraordinary or noteworthy.) i just seemed to have lost all control over what i put in my mouth so i need some exercise. i never feel like cooking and i hate grocery shopping because my food always goes bad (because i won't cook). so i think a good balance of [bad] diet and physical activity would at least prevent any more weight *gain*. and i bought my ticket last week to go to the east coast in september. i'm actually very excited. it's one of my first real vacations since i left grad school 4 years ago. that is, i have no agenda but to hang out... no trying to find a job, no kissing ass, no schmoozing. my friend's wedding is in northern virginia on labor day weekend and then we're going to nagg's head, NC for a few days. i haven't been to a beach resort town in many many years and i'm actually looking forward to it. at first, i was considering making a trip to NYC out of my east coast trip, but i realized i wouldn't be able to save enough money to enjoy myself in NYC for any extended period of time. and frankly, i wanna get the fuck out of the city. so the [empty] beach will be a very welcome change of pace. Current Mood: hot | | Thursday, July 14th, 2005 | | 5:24 pm |
epilogue
i did it. i'm out. i feel so much lighter. i can have my weekends back. and he took it very, very well. i basically told him that i was not qualified to turn this book into something great. and i think he agreed at that point. he said that he would keep me in mind for projects not involving the stock market or international currencies. i couldn't believe it. i was certain he would flip out. he essentially begged me to wait until he sent me the next round of research (95% of it, he claimed) over the weekend. i told him that if he could come up with it over the weekend, then it was certainly not enough. | | Wednesday, July 13th, 2005 | | 10:40 pm |
closing this chapter
i have come to a decision tonight. i have decided that i'm going to drop my book gig. it is absolutely positively not what i expected it to be. and i have to say that i have held up my end of the deal. i was to do the writing and he was to provide the materials for me to write. but he said point blank last week that he did not want to do the research. and without it, i can't write. i am simply not qualified or experienced enough in this topic to be able to expand the 80 pages i've written so far into 180 pages, which is his objective. what i have is not expandable. and he's simply not holding up his end of the contract. and i am entirely sick of battling this with him. so what i'm going to do is tell him that he needs to provide the material to write another 100 pages. and when ALL of it is complete, i will finish the project. my guess is that he won't be able to do that. but perhaps i should include a stipulation... some kind of expiration date. so that if actually does, i won't have to complete it. perhaps, i'll simply say that he is falling short of his responsibilities and i can't collaborate and the deal is off. the reason i hadn't done this yet is because i was afraid i'd seem like a jerk who doesn't keep her promises. but he hasn't kept his. he said he would do the research and now he says he won't. "will not" is different from "did not." that is not the partnership i agreed on. it's just not working out. i feel lighter already. but i still need to plan my approach. i tend to be very verbose and use a bunch of big words. and typically, when i've come to him with concerns, he turns it on me and i end up backing down. this time, that can't happen. good luck, me. Current Mood: high | | 3:46 pm |
| | Friday, July 8th, 2005 | | 2:04 pm |
Bush and Blair are trying to kill you.
When Bush and Blair decided to throw all ideological sensibility to the wind, they put the rest of us – those of us who disagree, as well as those who are directly in the scope of American and British weaponry – in harm’s way. George Galloway, the Scotsman in Parliament (my fucking hero), said on Democracy Now! this morning that most of the victims of the carnage in London’s transportation system yesterday were opposed to the policies and fallacies of Great Britain’s participation, which may be translated to only Blair’s involvement in Iraq. Blair addressed the media last night, in which he said that Britain’s way of life, its resolve, will not be shaken (where have I heard that before?). That the determination of the British people to maintain their way of life will profoundly outlive that of the terrorists. So essentially, the British [and hence the Americans] will fight to the death their right and duty to fight to the death, because their way of life my only be sustained by the subjugation and terrorism over those of color, those who have access to resources the Americans might need, and those who may prove to be a bit dissident in this quest. So it may be deduced that Bush et al. is directly responsible for the murder of dozens in London, thousands of American soldiers and hundreds of thousands of Iraqi citizens. By endorsing this war on terrorism, you are in fact endorsing the terrorism itself and should be held responsible. They also said on Democracy Now! that the blasts forced the issues being addressed in the G-8 conference to the back page (including a soundclip from a Fox news correspondent saying that those issues should be downgraded because obviously terrorism is a more critical and super-ordinate issue. What all these fail to recognize is that the issues of the G-8… global warming, universal poverty, and the forgiveness of third-world debt is inextricably linked to terrorist. Why do you think the terrorists are so pissed off as to blow people up? The same policies that bring wars to Iraq are created by and motivated by the same policies that ultimately add hydrocarbons to the atmosphere to melt the ice caps, rob the world’s indigent of their food and ability to cultivate it, and impose prohibitive debt stipulations on developing countries. None of these are mutually exclusive. Current Mood:  cynicalCurrent Music: The Thermals "No Culture Icons" | | Tuesday, July 5th, 2005 | | 10:07 pm |
i do not feel like talking to anyone. everyone is bugging the crap outta me (except the people that could possibly read this). all their stupid idiosyncracies, lack of consideration, sheer talkativeness, everything is just buggin. Current Mood: bitchy |
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